Bye bye 2011!

This may sound weird to say, but 2011 was one of the BEST and one of the worst years of my life.  It started out (and continued, of course!) to be amazing!  My son turned 2, holy moly, where did that time go? Then 2 weeks later I had my daughter!  It was the most amazingly easy labor, she was a precious little doll from the beginning and I could (and still do) just stare at her when ever I had the chance!  I got to see the interaction and relationship grow between big brother and little sister and the love that grew between them.  It's evident, even this early on, that he doesn't even remember life without her.  When she is out of his sight, he gets nervous. He wants to teach her things and secretly kisses her and holds her hand with such gentleness that when I catch it, it just melts my heart.  And to watch Avery's face light up whenever she sees him is just priceless.  She sees him as her super brother, her protector and the funniest thing alive.  She wants to be right next to him at all times and would give up her baby Dolly any second to play with his Thomas the Tank just to be with him.  They are my life and I am happy to be living it.  They make me happy, when the skies are gray.  I would never, ever, ever live this year differently if they weren't included in it.  They are what I am fighting for.

And of course, there has been the health issues of the year.  Issue after issue.  Test after test.  Appointment after appointment.  Crap after crap :)  I have tried to be strong while all this was happening, but as you can imagine, I'm not.  It's a hard thing to hear when doctors tell you that you are a serious case of epilepsy and that it will be a hard surgery to preform, but its one of the only choices I have to improve the quality of life for me and my family.  For months, I haven't been able to stop thinking about the it and the worst outcome that could happen.  I have become way more sensitive to the people around me and get vibes (that I am sure are not there!!) that make me feel like they don't care about me.  I'm lonely and feel like no one understands because they are not me.  I need to get over it.  These feelings, more so then the actual surgery (well for the past few months at least) have taken over me.  I've cried, almost steadily, for the past 8 months.  That part of the year, has not been good :(  But the kids have been my rock, even if they have no idea of whats going on.  Without them living their lives with me as the only mom they know and the only mom they love unconditionally, I may have crumbled.  They know no other and have no such love for anyone else that they have for me.  I need to fight for them, and that is what this year has taught me, steps ahead and falls behind included.  It has taught me that I may be stronger then I think I am.

So, 2011 has been both great and hard, but I don't think I would change anything about it.  I got my daughter and I watched my son grow.  I felt the unconditional love from them and others, even though I am flawed.  And also, through the trials and tribulations, I got some answers for why I am the way I am. Hopefully, 2012 will make me into a better "me". A me that can can be confidant around others. A me that can create a better life for my kids...A me that can succeed. :)